The Problem With Teaching Young Children the "Stranger" Rules
Have you ever met a child who couldn't give you the correct answers to the questions about strangers? Why then, if every kid knows the "rules," will ten-out-of-ten kids go with the right stranger with the right story?
In fact, that truth is the one thing that all criminally abducted kids have in common. Regardless of the kind of family they came from, their looks, size, or anything else - the one, single, common denominator that all of these victims have in common is...
...they all knew the stranger rules!
Every parent, when discussing a missing child or the possibility of abduction, proudly states, "my child knows the rules. I made sure I taught them what they need to know so I don't have to worry about that."
They make this statement as though the parents of these other children were somehow neglectful in their duty by not teaching the rules to their child. The implication is that:
And NOTHING could be further from the truth. NOTHING!
Shattering The Illusion
Let me ask you a question. I already know the answer, but humor me anyway.
Ready?
Why did you teach your child the stranger rules?
No. It's not a trick question. "Why did you bother to teach them?"
If your answer is anything different than, "So they'll be safe," I'll be very surprised.
And why shouldn't you? You want them to be safe, right?
Of course.
Ready for another question?
This one sounds just as simple as the first. Here goes...
"Why did your child learn the stranger rules?"
I told you it sounds just as simple. And, if I were a betting man, I would be willing to bet my own baby's college find that your answer was something like:
"So they'll be safe."
And I would say... wrong!
Actually, I'd make one of those really loud, raspy, buzzer sounds you here on game shows when a contestant get the answer wrong!
Even if you said, "because I made him learn them," you'd still only be half right.
The problem with this whole equation is the fact that a child is not an adult brain in a little body. Your child doesn't understand a lot of the things you say because the concepts are just too big and they haven't had the adult experiences that you have.
Don't believe me?
Tell me what electricity is? You're an adult, you know that it runs through wires and fires up your TV or other appliance when you plug into it but, what is it?
Now, if you don't know, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a scientist that could explain exactly what it is...
...how can you expect your child to know?
As a better example of what I'm talking about, let's say that my daughter is about to stick a metal object, like a hair pin, into a light socket. To "help her understand" the error of her ways, I stop her and tell her, "honey, don't do that. There's electricity in there and if you do that, you'll get shocked and you might die. Do you understand?"
And, you know what? My daughter is going to say the same thing to me that your child said when you explained the stranger rules and asked, "do you understand?"
She's going to say, "yes daddy." But...
...did she? Really?
Does she really understand what I just said when I used the words:
Or, did I just give her a reason...
...to find out for herself?!
Let me ask that question again. Why did your child bother learning the stranger rules?
The answer, from the perspective of a child of six and under is...
...because it makes you happy when they get the answer right!
That's it. Nothing about danger.
What's danger?
Nothing about strangers.
What's a stranger?
In fact, the part of their brain needed to make a good judgment call about what is really good and bad, and not simply guided by the fear of pain and the thought of pleasure - the discernment center - won't even develop until your child is somewhere between the ages of...
...18 and 22!
To a young child, a stranger is...
Ugly -never good looking...
A man - never a women...
Mean - never soft-spoken...
Dark - clothing, beard, maybe even a mask...
In fact, to a young child, the picture of a bad stranger DOESN'T exist in the real world.
To a young child, the only piece of information he or she needs to move someone from "stranger" category to "friend" is...
THEIR NAME! That's it.
And, the scariest part of all this is, there is absolutely nothing that you can do with the way they process information. Their brain simply can't wrap itself around the adult concepts.
Change anything about how you'll think about teaching the stranger rules to your child?
I hope so.
Copyright 2008 by Jeffrey M. Miller and Warrior Concepts International, Inc. All rights reserved. This article may be freely used and distributed as long as it is provided without cost and as-is, with no changes in content or context in any way and with all links active and without the use of any coding that would prevent or redirect other than to the originally intended destination.
Jeffrey M. Miller is the founder and director of Warrior Concepts International. He teaches his clients the proven and time-tested lessons they need for creating the lives they've always dreamed of living, and the skills necessary for protecting that life. He is the author of several books and articles on self-defense, child-safety, and success. His newest book, "10 Really Stupid Things Parents Do To Place Their Child in Danger - Without Even Knowing It!" is available on his web site at: www.warrior-concepts-online.com While you're there, subscribe to his online self-defense newsletter and enroll in his fr*ee ecourse called, "Foundations of Self-Defense Mastery." He is a much sought-after speaker on the subjects of youth development and child-safety and can be reached through his web site at: www.warrior-concepts-online.com or by calling (570) 988-2228.
In fact, that truth is the one thing that all criminally abducted kids have in common. Regardless of the kind of family they came from, their looks, size, or anything else - the one, single, common denominator that all of these victims have in common is...
...they all knew the stranger rules!
Every parent, when discussing a missing child or the possibility of abduction, proudly states, "my child knows the rules. I made sure I taught them what they need to know so I don't have to worry about that."
They make this statement as though the parents of these other children were somehow neglectful in their duty by not teaching the rules to their child. The implication is that:
- 1) If the other parent had, this wouldn't have happened, and...
- 2) I did so I've got nothing to worry about.
And NOTHING could be further from the truth. NOTHING!
Shattering The Illusion
Let me ask you a question. I already know the answer, but humor me anyway.
Ready?
Why did you teach your child the stranger rules?
No. It's not a trick question. "Why did you bother to teach them?"
If your answer is anything different than, "So they'll be safe," I'll be very surprised.
And why shouldn't you? You want them to be safe, right?
Of course.
Ready for another question?
This one sounds just as simple as the first. Here goes...
"Why did your child learn the stranger rules?"
I told you it sounds just as simple. And, if I were a betting man, I would be willing to bet my own baby's college find that your answer was something like:
"So they'll be safe."
And I would say... wrong!
Actually, I'd make one of those really loud, raspy, buzzer sounds you here on game shows when a contestant get the answer wrong!
Even if you said, "because I made him learn them," you'd still only be half right.
The problem with this whole equation is the fact that a child is not an adult brain in a little body. Your child doesn't understand a lot of the things you say because the concepts are just too big and they haven't had the adult experiences that you have.
Don't believe me?
Tell me what electricity is? You're an adult, you know that it runs through wires and fires up your TV or other appliance when you plug into it but, what is it?
Now, if you don't know, and you'd be hard-pressed to find a scientist that could explain exactly what it is...
...how can you expect your child to know?
As a better example of what I'm talking about, let's say that my daughter is about to stick a metal object, like a hair pin, into a light socket. To "help her understand" the error of her ways, I stop her and tell her, "honey, don't do that. There's electricity in there and if you do that, you'll get shocked and you might die. Do you understand?"
And, you know what? My daughter is going to say the same thing to me that your child said when you explained the stranger rules and asked, "do you understand?"
She's going to say, "yes daddy." But...
...did she? Really?
Does she really understand what I just said when I used the words:
- Electricity
- Shock
, or... - Die?
Or, did I just give her a reason...
...to find out for herself?!
Let me ask that question again. Why did your child bother learning the stranger rules?
The answer, from the perspective of a child of six and under is...
...because it makes you happy when they get the answer right!
That's it. Nothing about danger.
What's danger?
Nothing about strangers.
What's a stranger?
In fact, the part of their brain needed to make a good judgment call about what is really good and bad, and not simply guided by the fear of pain and the thought of pleasure - the discernment center - won't even develop until your child is somewhere between the ages of...
...18 and 22!
To a young child, a stranger is...
Ugly -never good looking...
A man - never a women...
Mean - never soft-spoken...
Dark - clothing, beard, maybe even a mask...
In fact, to a young child, the picture of a bad stranger DOESN'T exist in the real world.
To a young child, the only piece of information he or she needs to move someone from "stranger" category to "friend" is...
THEIR NAME! That's it.
And, the scariest part of all this is, there is absolutely nothing that you can do with the way they process information. Their brain simply can't wrap itself around the adult concepts.
Change anything about how you'll think about teaching the stranger rules to your child?
I hope so.
Copyright 2008 by Jeffrey M. Miller and Warrior Concepts International, Inc. All rights reserved. This article may be freely used and distributed as long as it is provided without cost and as-is, with no changes in content or context in any way and with all links active and without the use of any coding that would prevent or redirect other than to the originally intended destination.
Jeffrey M. Miller is the founder and director of Warrior Concepts International. He teaches his clients the proven and time-tested lessons they need for creating the lives they've always dreamed of living, and the skills necessary for protecting that life. He is the author of several books and articles on self-defense, child-safety, and success. His newest book, "10 Really Stupid Things Parents Do To Place Their Child in Danger - Without Even Knowing It!" is available on his web site at: www.warrior-concepts-online.com While you're there, subscribe to his online self-defense newsletter and enroll in his fr*ee ecourse called, "Foundations of Self-Defense Mastery." He is a much sought-after speaker on the subjects of youth development and child-safety and can be reached through his web site at: www.warrior-concepts-online.com or by calling (570) 988-2228.
posted by Jeffrey M. Miller at 9:23 PM
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